Current mood:	mellow
Current music:	fake plastic trees-radiohead

and in a perfect world a miracle would happen
i have a new love in my life. radiohead. i'm not sure why i didn't realize before that we were meant to be together. have i been living in a cave or something? (the cave perhaps! i was finally led into the light, and nearly blinded, but first i had to get past imagination, belief, thought, and right now i'm nearing understanding!)another excellent night. well...a lil shakey at times, but still thoroughly enjoyable. open bar is an exceedingly dangerous prospect for me. i've learned my lesson needless to say. considering that when i awoke this fine morning early as can be for futbol, i really, truley believed i might just lay down in the park and die. i had passed out in my bed around 3 am, and with a start, i awake to see will sitting on the end of my bed. he told me i looked like i had just come back from hades. how pleasant. anyhow, he went into the details of some crazy story involving police and other nonsense. wilhelm. what a character. i actually spieled in the game today.

"i will never be complete...i will never be alive....i will never change the world....until i do"

i miss my ipod! grrr, gosh, it is SUCH a drama queen. one minute it works then the next week it doesn't, then randomly, it will come back to life.

i've been thinking about her today. this weekend, i shoved her out of my brain because i knew that i would be distressed if i thought on it too much. what she now knows, i'm sure, is the catharsis that follows the retreat. when i came back, i had this sensibility about me that i hadn't had prior to the experience. this idea that one can be self-sufficient and create one's own life. mold and shape it into this wonderful being. i got this rich look into other people's best qualities, and an insight about love and acceptance that i had never experienced before. the essential concept i finally grasped was this idea that if ANYONE in the world had been there, the entire group would have found a reason to love them. i hope a feeling of contentment has been left within my love. although it pains me to say this, i sincerely wish that she didn't miss me or think of me. she's so far above me, and i do not think she realizes this yet. i am a nomad, a dreamer, and an idealist. (among other qualities)

"You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met" r.s.

i love discovering. the best feeling for me, comes with listening to fantastic music and realizing that there is still music out there to obsess over. at times i'm filled with this wonderful melancholy feeling. i revel in its happenstance comings and goings. basically, a mixture of complete acceptance and a biting yearning to rush into this spinning third planet and find those hidden waterfalls and listen to rasta music underneath the stars as i sleep in the sweet air.

what if i don't believe in greater meanings or higher powers? i refuse to be a stranger in a world i can live in everyday. i can say whatever i need to. i love rushing out into my days and nights with the mentality that these will be eventually be my memories. or do memories even exist? i feel like if i keep rushing out into my livelihood for the rest of my short time, there will be everything i could ever hope to have. i don't want to disappear, but i have to be certain that i will.
i have never understood the concept of trying out numerous people to see if they are the "best fit." i can not really find stake in this. everyday that i'm out in the clockwork universe i'm there to just be there. no other reason. the only truth, the only component of my life that is for sure is that i want someone to share the adventures with. someone to jump into the night ocean beside me grasping my hand because i'm what's real in this complicated world. i'm not here for meaningless lust, or false relationships involving pretenses that i'm not capable of understanding. i don't believe in "too young" or "need to try other people." If someone shows me the value in this, I'll reconsider the above statement. I don't know what's wrong with today's love. When the love goes and if it goes, then yes, go search for what will make one content and fulfilled. i'm not asserting that i hold on to everyone like i want them in my forever. what i find inside myself is not caring about anything but that person. other parts of existence are meaningless. yes, one has to live in reality, and accept that one has to eat, sleep, wear clothes, but what makes my heart beat and adds meaning to my last years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds are the people who saw me and i them. finding something true to believe in.

?Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too EASY easy easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now but baby don't look up
The sky is falling"